


Somewhere beyond reach

by evitably



Category: Warchild Series - Karin Lowachee
Genre: Gen, Shippy Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2010-12-17
Updated: 2010-12-17
Packaged: 2017-10-13 17:50:00
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,100
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/140026
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/evitably/pseuds/evitably
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It isn't Jos that has trouble letting go.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Somewhere beyond reach

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Quilljoy](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Quilljoy/gifts).



> Many thanks to gabby_silang and viridian_magpie for their beta! Any remaining mistakes are of my own doing.

Jos touches his hand. A searching touch, hesitant and careful. Imploring. He touches Niko’s hand before holding it, and his fingers are gentle and slow, giving Niko time to draw back. But Niko stands there and lets Jos take the knife from his grasp, and he is only peripherally aware when Jos drops it to the floor with a sharp, metallic clang before reaching out with both hands to hold Niko’s face.

Niko’s eyes are on Jos’s face. Not anywhere else. Jos’s face is captivating with its split lip and bruised skin. His eyes. They’re non-judgemental. Worried. Tender. Accepting -- and Niko can’t do this. Jos’s steady gaze on him makes him feel brittle and vulnerable in ways he doesn’t want to explore, because once you start, you never know if you’ll ever be able to stop.

What Niko’s done needed to be done. Niko knows that. Jos knows that, accepts it.

For once, it’s Niko who wants to flinch away.

Jos doesn’t come after him, but Niko knows his gaze lingers on his back as he leaves.

*

The day Niko retrieves Ash from Chaos station is the day he takes Jos as his is. He does it on a whim; he’d definitely not planned on bringing a child back to Aaian-na with him when he left to go for Ash.

But Niko’s never liked it when children were hurt in battle.

When he sees Jos running into the fray, he frowns. When he sees that there’s a man who’s chasing him, he freezes for a second that almost costs a life. When he sees the man shooting a child, he’s furious and wants to kill him right on that spot.

The jets are quicker. They distract the man (Falcone. Niko later learns to despise even the name), draw him further away from Jos, and next thing Niko knows, he’s on his knees by the boy and checking that he’s alive.

He is.

Niko picks Jos up and gives him to somebody to take to the med-bay.

A whim. That’s all it is.

Once the battle is over, he goes to see him. Bandaged and clean, clinging to the blanket and backing away from touch even while he sleeps. The medics and doctors are harassed-looking and busy, and the boy clearly doesn’t like the noise in the facility, so he takes him to his quarters to heal.

Little by little, Jos does heal.

But then Niko has to leave.

*

He asks his mother and Ash how Jos is doing.

Ash writes, Don’t worry, he’s learning quickly.

His mother writes, He says he’s fine.

Niko knows Jos and knows his mother. If she felt the need to add ‘he says’, something is wrong. He worries.

*

 _Turundrlar_ ’s return to Aaian-na on the first day of the Festival of Stars is not a coincidence. Everyone who can pushes everything they have for the trip back, working double shifts, putting time into jobs that aren’t required of them. They want back home, and fast.

Niko fingers the silver disk he’s made for Jos and agrees.

They almost don’t make it; it’s dark when they land, and the celebrations have already started. Debriefing is unusually terse, and then everyone goes home. Niko lingers behind, sees that everyone leaves before stepping out to the planet. He's brought less soldiers home than he'd taken into space.

Niko’s home is full. Enas greets him first, kisses him on both cheeks and embraces him hard. Niko clutches at her, breathes in the scent of her hair, and starts relaxing. Next it’s Ash who spots him. They clap each other on the shoulders, hold each other’s hands.

Niko’s eyes roam over the crowd, searching. Not finding. “Where is Jos-na?” he asks.

Ash shrugs. “Somewhere around.”

Niko glances at him, just for one brief moment. Then he looks away.

“I’ll find him for you,” says Enas. “Join the celebration.” She touches his arm as if to reassure herself that he’s really there and disappears into the crowd.

*

He asks Jos to come with him to space. Jos says yes.

Jos says yes.

He sits with Jos while Jos sleeps, reminds himself that this is why he fights. He finds his centre when he closes his eyes and studies his eyelids from the inside, with nothing more than Jos’s soft breathing to anchor him to the world.

He needs to sleep, but first he wants to remind himself where he belongs.

*

And then --

And then Niko sends Jos away.

The words dig inside Niko’s throat, refusing to come out. They hook themselves in his flesh and leave it raw in their wake. If he thinks about what they mean, he knows he’ll not be able to do this to himself, so he refuses to think.

He doesn’t think when he teaches Jos how to talk and walk, how to think, how to look. He enjoys Jos’s company for what it is, enjoys them being able to exchange words and complex ideas, enjoys Jos’s mind and wry, deadpan humour.

When they’re together like this, working, Jos doesn’t shy away. He opens up. He asks questions; offers his input.

It’s almost like he’s only ever happy when he’s of use, and that makes Niko want to tell him to stop, slow down. Look up at Niko without the trademark determination and resentment that he thinks he’s hiding.

But that’s impossible. There’s a war going on, after all, and Niko has to utilise all he has.

Niko allows himself one hug before making Jos leave. One hug, holding Jos close until the heat coming from Jos’s body bleeds into his, and he can’t tell how much of it belongs to him and how much belongs to Jos. His fingers curl on the back of Jos’s shirt.

*

Once Niko reaches his quarters he washes his hands and splashes water on his face. He stares at the mirror and tries not to see his brother’s features in his. It doesn’t work. Niko averts his face.

Niko reaches for his knife in his robe and he’s surprised when he doesn’t find it because it’s still on the floor in the hall where Jos had dropped it.

He retrieves it, cleans it, puts it back in place.

He tries to meditate, but whenever he closes his eyes, Jos’s accepting gaze stabs right into him.

*

“Niko,” Jos tells him. “I’m not yours.”

Niko sees the truth behind Jos’s words, sees the set of his chin as he says them. It’s odd, almost, seeing Jos as an adult who knows what he wants and where he belongs: somewhere beyond Niko’s reach.


End file.
